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Posted on 2010.01.15 at 04:00
Current Mood: numbnumb
 so i've got this friend. he went on a crack binge and locked himself out of his own house because he thought that his stripper girlfriend was in there fucking one of his best friends- and they weren't even there. he was walking around the neighborhood in the middle of the day trying to get the neighbors to let him in. he is pale and small now. it got him.

i've got this friend that i grew up with. she was the first person i became friends with when i moved here from new jersey. once high school hit, she was here and gone and back again and then missing for however long. her dad went to prison for trafficking cocaine in union county. when he got out, they moved to the sticks where no one can find them. her sister lives in raleigh and has a deaf child. she, herself decided to be a lesbian and threw her life down the drain for several different girls. she shaved her head. she dresses like a man. that's nothing. she has a serious drug problem. she got caught sucking josh's step dads dick for blow by his wife and got the shit beat out of her with a broom and had to go to the hospital. and now she is a junkie.

my friend adam died last january mainlining oxycontin.

hitchhiking in cactus soles

Posted on 2010.01.15 at 03:46
Current Location: Carolina Beach
Current Mood: blankblank
 after the physicality's of mine and his argument- i left and went to the bar with jake, only to see who? my neighbors. bruise on my cheek, eye swollen, walking almost impossible and breathing only to drag my cig and inhale through sobs. we left and went back to his little cabin in the woods. little man by the window stood. he totally took care of me. tucked me in on the couch with a bag of ice and a bucket because i was absolutely sick over what just went down. i woke up the next day to find no one around. i knew he went to work, and i had no phone or car, no xanax or pain killers and was hurting so bad it hurt to cry. i was having crazy emotional trauma and freaking out because I had no way out and am impatient as fuck. so i decided to start walking on my hurt foot and obviously broken (again) rib. i walked down Carolina Beach Highway for about two hours stepping on cacti and broken glass in a little dress and no shoes in 50 degree weather- and then this man, who for the love of me i cannot remember his name, pulled over when I was in a cop pull off zone and talked me into letting him help me. I told him parts of what had happened to me on our fifteen minute drive to my condo and his face was just in complete sadness and shock. Did I mention the one i loved was on his way to pick me up because I called him before my phone died and he decided after it died that he would come and get me so I could lay in my bed and figure things out. I got back to the house and no one was there. I used the man across the streets phone to call him, and he said he would be back in fifteen minutes. 45 minutes later, he shows up and lets me in the house. Why I never got my own key made is another story. I laid in bed for the rest of the day and woke up to a note taped on the wall that said "I'm sorry I hurt you, be back in a few hours, call me if you need anything." I drank myself back to sleep that night and snorted OCs for the next few days until it was time to go back to Charlotte for Thanksgiving. 

saved draft from i don't know when.

Posted on 2010.01.15 at 03:26
 i am where i thought i would never be. 
living in nothing but happiness and the sand..i am bliss.


Posted on 2007.11.06 at 21:41
Current Location: jamies house
Current Music: none-southpark.
"ive just melted like i've never melted before."
i just read that.
thats how i feel every day when i see my love.
his smile makes me weak.
his grace sweeps me away.
and his arms
make me feel perfect everywhere.


Posted on 2007.10.05 at 22:44
Current Location: jamies
Current Music: senses fail
 it was really awkward walking in the funeral home tonight. i mean i've been to plenty of funerals...its like a fucked up anniversary. but this one was different. first of all i went alone. i went to ians funeral alone but that was different. first i smoked a blunt with jamie before i went to calm my nerves. i pulled up and there was an ems wagon outside at the front. first thought. oh no. po po. then i was like oh damn someone died at the funeral. how weird. 
so i walked up and everyone was staring at me like i had a foot sticking out of my ear or something. but i went in and i just froze. the guy at the front goes "are you here for mr. ellis' service?" and i'm like who the fuck is that!
it took a sec and i was like oh yeah. yes i am. yes indeed. so he walked me to the guestbook and i checked the picture to make sure i was at the right viewing. i was thinking what if my mom and troy went to this funeral and it was the wrong guy. haha. thats not funny.
so i was standing in line. at the back like rosa. and i see my mom and bro a mile away at the front. oh look who's there. ashley. i thought he killed her. haha. jk i knew she would be there. it would be totally fucked up if she wasn't. but they're like trippin out over something and i glance around and everyone is like all smiling and shit. i'm like. yo! this is a funeral. not a soiree! so as i'm inching up in line 30 minutes at a time i just started staring off. i was completely caught off-guard by the non-christ atmosphere. there was a buddah on the table. flowers and shit everywhere but no bibles or crosses. no little baby jesus. i guess thats what a funeral home is for. rather than being put to rest in a church, you have the anti-semetic way of peacing out. that sounds bad. 
the ceiling was pretty cool. but i just had this eerie feeling the whole time i was there.
i look down at the half-empty tissue boxes left on and under the pews. there were 50 flower arrangements from different places. i read every card. "from matthews 7th grade baseball team" "from crew 57 & 58" "from coach so-and-so and coach so-and-so". this man touched the lives of more people than he may have known. there were young kids with the utmost respect shaking hands and hugging necks.
there were so many friends of jacob and reid. parents of friends, coworkers, family, probably even someone who just met him for a moment and came to remember him.
i got all the way around the maze in this creepy ass funeral home to "the room". the room where the collages are. the room where the casket (whether open or closed) lyes beside his widower.
she was standing there.
not a tear in her eye, holding his lifeless hand.
everyone came up and gave her a big "i'm soooo sorry" hug and she just smiled and chewed the hell out of her gum. i started to cry. 
then i saw jacob. and i cried more.
so i was getting around to the 2nd wall. the scrapbook. it made me laugh because of all the funny shit in there with jacob and brittany. haha
it lightened the moment for me. i got up there, trying not to be all teary in front of the woman who is holding her belated husbands hand, and holding herself together with everything.
she kind of looked at me like i know you...but
i was like i'm troys sister. she just jumped up (5 foot short) and wrapped her arms around my neck and she started to cry...but not really cry. i could feel her tears on my cheek though. and she just said thank you so much i knew you were an angel. i started laughing and she did too.
then jacob gave me this limp ass hug and i called him out for it. then brit. she was very comforting and when i stepped back and saw jacob crying i lost it. i had to get out so i gave reid and his wife a quick hug and an i'm sorry for your loss and i started to walk out. then i went back and told jacob that he was my brother and blood is thicker than water. then i left. crying and all. good thing i was one of the last ones there so i didn't have to hide my face from many bystanders. i immediatly got in my car and lit a cigarette. i dont think i've needed one like that in a while. well besides after sex and c. i called jamie. he always makes everything better. 
then i stopped at ebs to see shawn but i didnt meet his fucking schedule so he made me meet him on some sketchy road. it was alright though. im so hooooooood. hahaha
jamie tells me not to say that.
so then i got the hell out of there real quick and came back here to see my baby. oh i got a couple new jackets from brooke today. and a cute roxy bag and a bunch of face shit.
and i wrote jamie a note telling him i'm in love now.
finally. damn.  


Posted on 2007.10.02 at 18:45
Current Location: ma's
Current Music: hendrix
so i'm sitting at my parents house waiting for my mom. i ran out of quarters at the car wash so i drove in suds to ma's. its ok squeeky clean by the time i got here. 
i miss jamie. i've only been gone since like 5 and i'm going through withdrawal already. 
i'm used to it though. i have to deal with it every day for like 10 hours! ahhh!
so i think cbm is taking me out on my birthday. my plans are to go to flotown saturday before my birthday so i can bring it in sunday night  with brooks and hopefully john michael if he comes back from clemson. and of course my baby will be with me! and ellie too.  then we're gonna drive back here monday (my bday) afternoon and spend the day together. then monday evening we're doing the dinner thing and after that its all goin down! 
snugg then the bird maybe we'll go to the club too.
i want to go to allycats this thursday for reggae night. 
at least i know of one person that wants to come with me. sara is so cool like that. she likes the same music and style as me. i just coughed really hard and i think my lung shot across the room
i might need those organs.
come the f on mom! i cant wait all night to do this shit. 
i dont know what i'm going to be for halloween. i was thinking about g'n it out. but i dont know. mark says there will be a mafia party so maybe i'll get to wear two costumes again! 
i know i'll be in school for halloween. again. which sucks ass. but whatever. 
ill dress like victoria beckham. ha. hair. check. but i'm not 5 ft tall. more like 5'8
i cleaned jamies entire apartment today. did all his laundry too. 
i love my bf!
he's the best.

a.m. lovin

Posted on 2007.10.02 at 09:45
Current Location: jamies
halo isn't that bad. jon has been explaining it to me little by little and he made reference to paintball so now i get it. we went to kayas last night. i met her new boyfriend, justin from scapegoat. thats his name to me. he's alright. he's very clever in his words. i like that about him. and i think he'll mellow her out. it seems so already.
my boyfriend is the best. he came out there with me because i begged him and kaya called and begged bc justin was there. i got a new pair of sailor shoes and a mannequin body stand. its so vintage. i love it. i think i'm going to dress it up with pearls and shit. i want to start decorating my house the way i will when i live alone. thats my focus. i'm just gonna go to thrift stores and stuff and buy cool stuff.
we have really great sex. all the time. he was pissed off real bad this morning bc of jack. dumbass. why do they do that? the fucking dogs. shit all over the place all the time. i can't handle this. jamie's gonna have a heart attack and the dogs are gonna get kicked out.
i have to do my mom's hair tonight. that sucks. then we're carving pumpkins!! i'm so excited! its fall! thank god.
i love autumn. just the feeling.
its weird. but its my favorite time of the year. it only lasts 2 months at the most then it starts to get too cold and you start planning for the summer again. fall is perfect. and this fall is going to be even better. a) i turn 21 in 13 days b)jamie c)halloween d)i get out of school e)its just fall. pretty sweet.
i dont feel very well. my throat hurts so bad. its like deep down in my chest. i can't even smoke. booooo hoo. we saved a dog yesterday. his name was boomer i decided. and donnie took him in. i hope he doesn't clip his ears. he's too old for that. boomer was the sweetest thing in the world. well, after an hour of trying to lure him to us. jamie got the leash around him and we got him outside. he jumped in my car and he just started warming up to us. when we dropped him off (sadly, bc, jamie wouldn't let me keep him) he didn't even want to leave. he started playing around up at the office. he was happy to be rescued i guess!
he makes me laugh.
doozer? wtf does that mean jamie? i guess shower since i hear the water running now. i adore him.
this is funny-
i said to jamie 'i heart you'...like i do all the time. and this morning he said i love you too. caught me off guard a little. but then i found myself smiling everywhere and i was confused. so this is love?
i was fucking mistaken.
love before sucked ass now its flat out amazing.
amazin. like nancy haah
i cant wait to get my own place. like i love living with j and troy but seriously.
i want bookshelves and paintings and girly shit everywhere and i just cant do that with my brother and my gay best friend. haha
its just not gonna happen. troy is very boy. blue.
only blue. and nc state. i mean i like state. i'm in full support but that doesn't mean i have to support it on the walls and shit randomly in my living room and bathroom. not cool.
i want like sailboats and stuff in my bathroom and a vintage european feel in the living room. my kitchen just blank with some flowers and the usual kitchen appliances. probably red black and white like my moms.
they keep making fun of me for writing so damn much. i dont care though. i could sit here all day and just write about shit that i'm thinking about. i want to get a keyboard. i think mom's getting me one for my birthday. she asked me if i wanted a digital camera and thats what i've wanted for the past 40 years but now i dont. its weird. i should get one anyway though for the pain and suffering of waiting.
i need to go home and do laundry today. or i could just bring it back here and do it but thats a lot of moving. how should i decorate my room? hmm.
i've been trying to figure that out for months. i really want to paint the walls. at least like a beige color. that white is just so boring. i want to get an old witch house like kayas. that would be freakin awesome.
i need a job. i should just go up to modern and see about their training program. i think you work there part-time or something until you get out of school. no. thats not right.i dont fucking know right now. jamie and i smoked a blunt this morning after all the frustration. and now i'm all stoned again with jon and my baby.
ellie is the cutest dog ever. she just wants you to love her. but she's a little devil seriously.
anyway so i'm done now. happy october.

he picked jess

Posted on 2007.09.30 at 21:33
Current Location: jamies
i love his face. gives me goosebumps everytime i see. he like puckers his lips and breathes out real hard. he looks so sexy. and the other day i sent him a text message suggesting smoke fucking and he totally was like roll a blunt. it was so perfect. he had the blunt hanging out of his mouth in top of me and every time he inhaled the light from the cherry would show his facial expression...yeaaa. and then i was late for school the next morning. its so ok though.
my dog is so bad. she is too cute though. i love her. she's really sweet but she only listens to me really. sometimes she doesnt even do that. i want to go watch a movie. i just dont know which one. i cant think of that movie that we talked about last night.
he makes me laugh all the time. and he's always happy. even today when he was pissed off at the world he was still so sweet to me. he is so good to me too. and he tells me how happy he is with me all the time. i love it.
i'm falling.
so hard.
and i am not scared at all. it's so weird. i'm not nervous that he's going to hurt me. i feel so sure. and my dad was all like i have a really good feeling about this kid blah blah. he even said how much more he liked him than (that guy)! its funny. especially because he was a total douche and i didnt even like him that much. my dads so funny. but i'm really happy that he likes jamie so much. cause i like him so much too. ha i'm watching rock of love with brett michaels. i think he should pick jess. she's really cute. great hair. its down to jess and heather right now. and i think he's going to pick heather. i dont know why. her hair sucks though. if it depended on hair and style alone. jess would definatly win. haha

my neck hurts so bad.
wahh...uhm jess is wearing a guitar necklace with her rhinestone evening gown. what the fuck .
ohhhhhhhhhh my god. i cannot believe brett michaels just asked both of those girls to be his girlfriend~!
if they say yea ill shit

look how cute we are.
oh wait. the fucking picture didnt work. thats gay. carry on,.
i really just look like an evil bitch. haha jk.
woahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh he picked jess.
he buttered heather up like he was going to pick her and then he was like ur a stripper cunt. haha
i cant believe this show's over.
the best.
losing my head here.
his lips. are perfect. now i'm getting off here cause he wont leave me alone about reading it and i'm gonna try to sneak off and distract him with ice cream.
haha!! i'm sooo sneaky.


Posted on 2007.09.24 at 10:28
Current Location: my loves
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: howard stern
never again will i leave my house on september 22nd. it started off alright. we smoked a lot and margot gave me some moonshine at lunch. it was pretty fucking nasty. but then i was shithoused before i left school so i rode back to charlotte with ashley and kirby. we got to jamies and started drinking a little too much and went to my house to finish getting ready. ashley and kirby dipped out when we got back to jamies so i took like ten shots and me and kaya went to joes. 3 beers down on the way. i was pretty lit when i got to the club...but not too bad off. we went in and danielle made me fall on the ground haha. we were chillin for like 20 minutes and i had to pee. so i went in the bathroom and came out and this cocksucker bouncer who was no more than 5'6 accused me of puking all over the bathroom. i was like look. i didnt do shit. i pissed in that stall right down there and thats it he told me i was getting an attitude and asked me if i was drunk and i said a little i just got here 10 minutes ago or whatever and he's like well u're underage i dont believe u blah blah blah...and i started being a smartass as usual and he told me i had to leave. i was like fuck u and ur redneck bar i just came to say hi to my girls but hell the sooner the better right! haha. seriously though. so i walked out. saw like 5 of my friends who were already kicked out (let me remind you that it is only before 11 oclock at this point) and kaya came out with me. i called jamie and told him what happened and of course he was on the way before i could even speak. he's so sweet. anywho so i was just getting more drunk the longer i sat there because my idiot pissed off head got me drunk as fuck in 10 minutes. a bottle of vodka and a 6pack of beer. that little jewrat bouncer came outside and of course in my drunken bitch state i stood up...wobbled over and told him that i thought it was fucked up what he did and i will never come back to this bar or recommend it to any friends. it was a little more severe than that but whatever. so i turned around and walked back to the bench...lost my balance and fell down, busted my mouth on the metal bench. i chipped my god damn tooth and i have mad bruises everywhere. so jamie got there and i was all wasted, kaya had to walk me to the car. i threw up out the window on 74 and there was so much traffic...jamie said he was holding onto the back of my pants so i wouldnt fall out the window, i was hanging out so far. i'm suprised we didnt get pulled over. that would have been terrible. so i passed out and when we got back jamie carried me up 3 floors and put me in bed. sunday i puked for 6 hours straight, like every 30 minutes up and down. i even slept on the bathroom floor for a few hours. it felt good. jamie took care of me. his mom brought me soup. and john made fun of me all day. i couldnt eat anything. i still cant my fucking mouth hurts so bad. it was so hard to have sex this morning without kissing him. well serious kissing hehe. he's so cute.

so that was that. i'm still suffering but i feel a little better today. we both have mondays off so its a good day. i have to go get my car from kirbys house. she better be awake. i need a shower. i havent barely moved since i passed out saturday night. but hey. it was fun. story right?

my boyfriend is so hot. i love everything he is.

yeah. i'm gonna miss him though because he's getting fucking halo tonight. ill study.

or play nintendo.
or read harry potter. videogame date!!

k fed

the sweetest thing

Posted on 2007.09.14 at 15:44
Current Location: home
Current Mood: surprisedsurprised
Current Music: the clash
i saw him last wednesday for the first time in 6 years. looks the same. adorable. he makes me feel so good all the time. even when he's not there. likes everything about me. my tattoos. my dry sense of humor. when i wear make-up. when i don't. when i smile. when i play guitar hero. my hair. any color. short or long. he's a smartass. but not as clever or edgy as i. never a frown. sunshine daydreams.
he got me off with my clothes on.
he hates the club but goes with me anyway. hates cigarettes but will have his arms around me when i'm smoking. i promised though. three more days and i'm done. ill be a bitch for a little while.
but he doesnt care.
our first kiss in 6 years was on thursday. crosswords are our fun. and bootleg movies. absolute bliss all the time.
we dont argue. he gives me the world. and he makes me realize how many assholes i dated.
we wasted so much time
not being together. lots of heartache. lots of growing up. i'm glad though.
we know what we want and now we're starting over. this is the sweetest thing.

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